He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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