I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
