No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
