Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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