You're my little dorito
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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