I have demons in me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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