I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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