if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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