There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
