don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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