I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
