Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
