I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
