life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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