dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
