Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
