you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
