also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
whose parrot is this?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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