there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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