Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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