So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
