Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
