I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
