I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
