is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
