I haven't been this sober since birth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
