Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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