Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
