I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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