I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
