did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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