do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
