I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
last night I used snow as a chaser
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
