I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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