Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize