They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
