Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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