I think I died a long time ago.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
