i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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