Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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