Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
