Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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