you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My vagina is officially offended.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
