The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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