I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We're too hungover to prance.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
