I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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