i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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