I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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