If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
