Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
