he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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