the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
