I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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