Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
